Good news! I hardly broke any rules, so far today! I got up, sent my ritualistic “good morning” text to my distant S.O. to which I eventually received a reply, and made my bed. I did head downstairs before getting ready, but I gave myself a break on that because it is Sunday. I fixed a BIG, but very healthy breakfast, which we’ll just call brunch, and I did share it with the kid before he headed off to work. I had 99% of the dishes done before the food hit the table. I love that when I can pull it off. Since then I’ve readied myself for the day and have even done a load of laundry! And as a bonus, I did make it to the gym last night for a good hour of cardio! All is right.
The point of my rules and routines is to make sure I’m set up for a full, productive, worthwhile and satisfying day, and that I’m taking the steps I need to take to remain relaxed, keep focused on my values and principles and to succeed at making progress towards my goals for the different roles in my life . To evolve.
But I feel wobbly.
Without going into all the grotesque details in one post, my life has been in a constant state of flux for the past five years. In the next month I will be moving for the fifth time in three years. I am on the brink of filing for divorce from a marriage of nearly twenty three years that probably should only have lasted fifteen. Nine if you happen to live in California, because anything over ten years is a “long term marriage”, which basically means one party or the other, is going to get completely screwed. That would be me. Vowing to never, ever be so weak as to fall in love again, I have, and with a man that lives 3,000 miles away and has no plans, ever, to live elsewhere. In time, I can relocate and am willing to do so.
Would you feel wobbly?
I really want this new relationship to succeed, though we seem to have a lot against us. Distance. Timing. Careers. Economic resources. But we’ve managed a friendship for over two years and a relationship, a long distance relationship, for six months. I know relationships evolve and change, that’s how they grow, but there is a part of me that wants it just like it was. It has changed, not in a bad way, I don’t think, but it isn’t what it was, and I can’t put my finger on it. Being the over analytical soul that I am, I am trying to dissect the nuances and am probably reading way more into absolutely everything than I should. And in this behavior, I am acting differently. He is acting differently, either because he is feeling differently or because I am acting differently. Argh! I dissect and analyze and stress and worry.
And feel wobbly.
Am I wobbly and questioning, analyzing, dissecting and stressing because of the relationship, or because of the upheaval of moving yet again? Or both? How much credit do I give to my inner turmoil when my outer existence is so tumultuous?
I am an avid reader and have read many, many, many books on relationships, love, friendships, sex, self-improvement; in all of these books, communication is a core pillar.
One voice tells me to talk to him about it. But if I initiate a conversation about my analysis and dissection of the little subtleties and nuances and have overreacted and misinterpreted everything said and unsaid, done and not done, am I creating unnecessary trouble? The other voice says “just let it ride”, we are awesome together in every way, enjoy it while it lasts and if it lasts forever, yay! If it doesn’t, cry for a while and move on. This is the voice I’d like to listen to, but I think my innate tendency to analyze, dissect, stress and worry will continue to build on the insecurities I have already created for myself. It may eat me alive. I can’t imagine there is anyone else out there that is as well suited in so many very important ways as he is. I am nearly fifty; I am not getting any younger, better looking or more desirable. I hate to waste my time if this is an ill-fated relationship because I don’t really have time on my side. Yet I hate to create trouble where there is none to begin with.
There is probably no right solution here, and I’m not looking for advice. I find that in writing things down it helps me think through things a bit more thoroughly. I have not made a decision as to which voice I am going to listen to just yet. I probably need to work out vigorously and reconsider all this while the endorphins are pulsing through my body. I have been on an endorphin withdrawal lately with the holidays, the kids and their friends and my S.O. all visiting from far off places, and a hectic several months of business travel preceding this. I have been on a bit of a hiatus from my usual endorphin rich routine. Maybe the inner turmoil will subside with a daily infusion of endorphins and I will become my well-balanced, sane self again. Perhaps that is the only change that has occurred between lover boy and myself; myself. I like this thought. Off to the gym I go.