My mother gave us a pineapple. Pineapples tend to be stored right side up once purchased. Am I right? You buy a pineapple and you bring it home and stand it up on the counter. Think about it. Gravity. The juice will gather at the bottom of the fruit if you leave the pineapple right side up for a period of time. So, when we got home, my S.O. (significant other) placed the pineapple in a ceramic crock, upside down, to allow the juice to flow towards the top and sort of “equalize”.
My son’s girlfriend was visiting and observed my upside down pineapple. She gave me a quizzical look and asked me if I knew what an upside down pineapple meant. It means something? Now, pardon me for being naive, I am not quite sure where this type of knowledge is acquired or who, exactly, is in charge of making these things up, but, apparently, if you are a swinger, at least in the neighboring county, and you place a pineapple upside down in your grocery cart, you are communicating to every other swinger in the grocery store (are there that many of them?) that you are down. For swinging, that is. Again, who makes this shit up and where does one go to become educated on all such matters. Is there an app for that? Are there other rules as to the placement of fruit in one’s grocery cart that establishes, publicly, your position or participation in certain behaviors or activities? Something with papayas or mangos? Bananas? I’m a little scared! I buy a lot of fruit. Is this method of communication limited to the produce section, or does it stem out to other ares in the grocery store? The meat counter, bread aisle, canned foods? Does it go beyond groceries? Clothing stores? The gas station? Am I unwittingly communicating with segments of society all sorts of things by turing on my turn signal? How many times my blinker blinks before I execute a right hand turn, for example?
I prepared dinner for my son and his girlfriend last night, beef pho. It was pretty good if I do say so myself. We told her about our experience at the dining experience the previous evening at a particular restaurant in this same, sordid, swinging community. She got that look in her eye, again. “You know, that’s where all the swingers go to meet”. Geez, it looked like a pretty normal crowd to me. I mean, I don’t expect swingers to look different from, shall we say, non-swingers. I suppose they are just regular folks with different spare time interests than the rest of us. I am not sure how to proceed, though. I do know this community is known regionally for the popularity of this particular spare time activity. So, do I stop frequenting any business in that community for fear of inadvertently miscommunication myself? I think that’s silly. Do I take the initiative to create a website and mobile app for identifying communicative behaviors so those who swing can swing and those who don’t, don’t make a boo boo? And another question; are the boundaries the county line? Because I am quite fond of shopping in the closely neighboring community. I need some clarity here!
I used to live in this particular county, in this particular community, in fact. I’m grimacing a little inside at the thought of what I may have said or done that could have been misunderstood. For example, did I ever say to anyone, casually, and unwittingly “swing on by and visit some time” or “I think I’ll just swing by and pick up a take and bake pizza”. Does picking up a take and bake pizza have more meaning than, simply, I’m hungry and don’t want to cook? I know this is probably not something I should stress over a great deal. No matter what I do or say that may mislead to swinging set, I am not going to swing. I mean, I am progressive and open minded and all, but I’m a monogamist. Call me old fashioned. To my credit, I’m a very capable and adventurous monogamist! But a monogamist.
I’m not quite sure what I’m to do with my new found wisdom, along with my complete ignorance and naivety; I suppose I will shop for pineapple very carefully, and perhaps at the opposite end of the neighboring county. Really, though, who cares what others think? Perhaps this is all urban legend to begin with. Maybe I’ll just put all this nonsense aside and live my life in blissful ignorance and shop for pineapple wherever and however I please!