Messing With My Chi

Have you ever awakened feeling great? Like everything was going to go according to plan? Well rested and ready to take on another day? That was how I felt this morning when I awoke. Good Chi.

I set out to do my day right! I showered, grabbed my journal and bounded downstairs for my usual healthy, light, well-balanced and nutritious breakfast. I swear I could just feel the sunshine and hear the birds singing outside. My scrambled egg was piping hot and smelled delicious. My oatmeal was perfectly cooked, not too done, not too soupy, not too cold, not too hot, a true Goldilocks moment.I opened up my journal, reached for my pen and was just ready to cheerfully write down my affirmations and the things I am most grateful for, certain that this would keep my “good Chi” going.

Then my son stomped into the kitchen. He wore a murderous expression and went about his morning routine with an air of so much grumpiness that my Chi just fizzled. Conversation ensued and basically, he was just pissed off about everything. It happens to all of us, when you wake up and think, “wow, this is all for shit”. I’ve had mornings like that, and recently, and I admit, I have to make a very concerted effort to talk myself out of those feelings on a fairly regular basis. No one’s life is exactly where we want it at any point in time, but if we make an effort to get a little closer each day, we can usually manage to keep those shit mornings to a minimum. For some of us, it takes some practice.

My son’s mood was so bad, that I had a really hard time focusing on the one word affirmations I wanted to write down. I had to keep cheating and looking back at yesterdays. My Chi was all messed up.

He went on and on about his woes, and I listened, but damn, I was trying to write down all the things I was grateful for, and I couldn’t concentrate. I had to keep cheating, I kept looking back to yesterday’s page to try to remember what I was grateful for yesterday! Certainly I’d still be grateful today for the things I was grateful for yesterday. My Chi was all messed up.

Your affirmations and the things you’re grateful for should just spill out when you focus on them, you should never have to cheat, maybe what I’m grateful for today IS different than yesterday. Maybe what I needed to affirm about myself today was different than yesterday. But I couldn’t focus, I just flipped the page and copied, flipped the page and copied, until today’s page was all filled up with yesterday’s words. My Chi was all messed up.

I glanced out the window and saw that it was gray and gloomy. Another chink in my Chi. I’m a sunshine kind of girl. Gray and dreary makes me gray and dreary. Sigh.

I tried not to let it all get to me, and as the day went on, I was able to put it all behind me and have a fairly successful and productive day. The sun never came out, in fact, it is raining, but I managed to remain sunny enough myself to keep positive.

I thought about my Chi, though. I use the word “Chi” to describe the positive energy flow that acts like a current and pulls me through each day in a manner I am at peace with. I know the actual definition of Chi may be somewhat different, having to do with energy flow as it relates to feng shui, but I like to think I’m in the process of “feng shui-ing” my mind, putting all the elements of thought and self-speak into the desired order so as to achieve positive energy in thought and intention. Does that make sense? Well, it does to me. And that’s what matters.

The thing that distresses me is just how easily my Chi is disrupted. I let the energy that other people put off totally affect me. I’m like a negative energy sponge. I try to battle back with my positive energy, but I feel like in so doing, I am giving away my positive energy and I end up empty.

The slightest thing can turn my Chi to shit. Grumpy people. Dishes in the sink when I come home. Mail on the table. A text or phone call from someone I don’t really want to hear from. Network news on the TV. People quoting network news like it’s the absolute authority, especially when they say “they said …” Little, itty bitty, stupid, insignificant things turn my Chi into shit. And I don’t know what to do about it. I’m not necessarily intolerant, better the dishes be in the sink than on the table, better the mail be on the table than in the sink! I think what it comes down to, for me, at least, is that I have been so completely out of control of so many very big things in my life the past several years that I seek to find peace and solace in the many little things I can control; the tidiness of my house, whether the television is on and what exactly is being viewed, my diet and fitness, etc. When someone invades that small part of the world I can control, I lose my Chi.

I am considering moving in with my mom in the next few months. She is old, she needs help. It will help me save some money, restore my retirement account, build a nest egg. For all practical purposes, it is the right thing to do. My Chi is withering just thinking about it. She is easily worried and frets openly about everything, mostly what “they” said on the news. And the network news is on at a decibel rating so high, I can hear what “they” are saying from the driveway when I get out of my car. The refrigerator and cupboards are full of food like products I wouldn’t even consider handling, let alone eating. There are piles of mail and newspapers and bits of paper with little notes on them on the counter, the table, the desk, the coffee table, and three of the four chairs around the kitchen table. I will be completely out of control of nearly every element of my environment I currently have a grasp on. What will I do without my Chi, for certainly it will die?

I suppose, to look on the bright side, which is a skill I have worked to develop to an art form over the past several years, I will have to learn to build my Chi in an environment that is not mine. I’ve had some practice here, as I do travel a lot for work and stay in hotel rooms, which are not technically “my” environment. But they are fairly benign environments, there is rarely a kitchen, and when there is, it is clean to begin with and I am in control of it until I leave. There is a television, but I am completely in control of it. There is no clutter around to disturb my Chi and I am alone in my hotel room, so the only grumpy people around would be me.

In an environment that has been my mom’s for over forty years, I will have zero control, so I will have to learn how to build up my positive inner energy through other means than keeping my environment exactly the way I like it. I could, I suppose, limit “my environment” to my room, like I did as a kid. That may be a solution, as long as I have noise cancellation headphones for the television downstairs!

I’m not sure of the solution here, but I suppose I shouldn’t worry about the future of my Chi, perhaps the change in environment won’t affect it like I think it will. I should be focussing on my Chi in the present. And right now, it is just fine. Like all things in life, like life itself, it’s all about the present. Live for now. One moment at a time.

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