Scarlett’s Guide to Turning Fifty

Scarlett’s Guide to Turning Fifty

Today is my birthday. I’m fifty. I don’t feel fifty, so I’m not going to act fifty. I refuse to join AARP. But, I am taking a few moments, today, to reflect on the secrets to a golden life, as it should be. I have compiled a list that summarizes my outlook from near the top of the hill. I’m on the incline, still, in case you’re wondering. I’ll let you know when I summit, though I might be lollygagging a bit to avoid that. The only downhills I like are roller coasters, ski slopes (I board them, though), and when cycling. Party on.

My list, in no particular order:

  1. Sleep in every once in a rare while. You probably need it.
  1. Eat waffles and drink mimosas.
  1. Wear mismatched, loud colors, florals and animal prints. All at once, if you prefer.
  1. Use punctuation and check your spelling and grammar. Please set a good example for the “texting” generation. Thank you.
  1. Thank everyone individually on Facebook for birthday greetings. We, well, maybe THEY, are getting older, after all.
  1. Hug everyone you know and maybe even a few you don’t.
  1. See the world.
  1. Be loud, shocking, and endearingly vulgar. Hear me roar, I’m a woman of experience. This is okay only as long as people are genuinely laughing. At the first hint of discomfort or fake laughing, ratchet it down one notch.
  1. Take lots of pictures of yourself. Only delete the ones where you are chewing, have something between your front teeth or where your eyes are closed. No matter how bad you think the pictures look now, in a few years you’ll look back at them and say, “Damn, I looked awesome!”
  1. Keep doing your Kegels. Your continence depends on it. And so does good sex.
  1. The cure for anything in the world, I swear, is more Moroccan oil on your hair. And a mimosa.
  1. Keep it light. You can be serious without taking things so seriously.
  1. YouTube is better than the boob-tube.
  1. Don’t burp out loud in front of anyone. It may have been funny in college, now it’s just gross.
  1. Wear lip color.
  1. Drive your kids crazy. Use their slang but pronounce it like a literature professor, with perfect, clipped, enunciation. Do this in front of their friends, if possible.
  1. Do/have your toes done in an obscene color.
  1. Hold it in. Yes, people WILL know it was you that farted.
  1. Laugh at life or it may seem like life is laughing at you.
  1. Do something memorable, regularly. Make memories worth telling stories about.
  1. Do something memorable, regularly. Like wear polka dots on Friday or red (scarlet) everyday.
  1. Be in love.
  1. Try new cuisines.
  1. Find a way to party with the younger crowd every now and then, embrace the cougar within, you can act like a cougar and not be a cougar. It’s up to you.
  1. Drink lots of water.
  1. Drink lots of wine.
  1. Eat lots of veggies.
  1. Source information before you trust it.
  1. Make some noise. You are wiser than you think. Speak up.
  1. But, you don’t know everything, so listen up.
  1. Squats. Lots. Enough said.
  1. Make the news, don’t watch the news.
  1. Eggs are a superfood. Ice cream is a superfood. Chocolate is a superfood. Butter is the super-est food.
  1. Write it down.
  1. Wear ALL of your jewelry, NOW. What are you saving it for? It’d be nice for everyone to see it a time or two before your open casket viewing.
  1. Learn something new. Exercise is important for the brain, too.
  1. An extra coat of mascara is always a good idea.
  1. Don’t sit so much.
  1. Do push-ups, your arms and your boobies (or moobs, depending on your gender) will make you look younger than you are. Chaturangas are good too, if you’re a yogi.
  1. On your birthday, spend a little more than you should, drink a little more than you should, eat a little more than you should. Atone tomorrow; back to work, eating, drinking, sleeping, and exercising responsibly. Dress however you want from here on out, though.
  1. Call people “dude”.
  1. Enjoy flowers. Enjoy art. Enjoy music. That’s what they’re there for.
  1. Um, eyebrows? You should have some, like two, and they should be shaped. Professionally.
  1. Run for your life.
  1. Sing. Out loud. And off key.
  1. Stairs. Always.
  1. Life is short; buy all the shoes you want and go ahead and get the ones that make you say ” oooOOOooo!”  when you see them.
  1. Worth repeating; you simply cannot do too many push-ups, squats, or Kegels. Time is running out, do them simultaneously, maybe even while in line at Whole Foods.
  1. Stabilization balls are fun.
  1. And for God’s sake, whiten your teeth.

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