An Ode to Amazon Prime

I’ve been a long time customer and fan of Amazon. I may, in fact, be one of their original customers, I don’t know, but I feel like Amazon has been as much a part of my life as, well, shopping online.

My affinity for Amazon goes well beyond merely shopping online, they have totally come through for me on many occasions, one particularly memorable.

I remember the first Christmas season that I was traveling a lot for work. I was far from home, in Durham, North Carolina, I recollect. It was about a week before Christmas and I hadn’t been able to do any Christmas shopping. The kids were in high school and had gone from believing in Santa Claus to believing in capitalism. The husband wasn’t working and hadn’t for years. Money was very tight and I didn’t have a single penny to shop with. In that hotel room, in Durham, North Carolina, late one night, I received, in my bank account, electronically, my first bonus from work. It was a good one. It was actually a couple of bonuses and a commission. My company doesn’t pay either bonuses or commissions anymore, but, anyway, it was a really big surprise that night in Durham. This was the year that the Wii game system was like “the gift”. You know, every year there is some gift that simply everyone must have, and because of its insane popularity, is impossible to obtain, and particularly the week before Christmas. Well, now I was one of those people, trying every (online) avenue to obtain a Wii, delivered to my doorstep, before Christmas. WalMart was out, Target was out, BestBuy was out. I don’t know what made me think of Amazon, I was still under the impression they only sold books, I guess. Maybe I decided, unable to obtain a Wii from a big box store, I’d just give the kids the latest Harry Potter book, or something. More likely, I Googled “Wii” and Amazon came up, top of the list. I found a Wii with all the periphery, for less than the big box stores empty shelf tags had the price listed for, and, it was delivered to my doorstep at about the same time I arrived home! A miracle. Amazon saved Christmas that year. I should make a sappy holiday movie about it.

Since then, and particularly with the app on my phone, I have always tried Amazon first. For everything. You may think I sound like I have a shopping problem. I don’t. I have no problem shopping, at all. I’m actually not that bad. Kindle books are my only real weakness with Amazon these days.

Many, if not most of my friends also swear by Amazon. Amazon, too, is often a topic of conversation in the business circles I frequent, not unlike the weather and traffic. I often see Amazon related posts on Facebook, and, lately, a lot of chatter about Amazon Prime, the premium service you pay an annual fee for. Amazon Prime is not new, it’s been around for a while. I’ve resisted because I keep thinking that I don’t really purchase that much from Amazon, and even if I do, I shouldn’t be, so paying for a premium service is, well, kind of like admitting you have a shopping problem. I don’t. Clearly. I’ve thought I should really justify the enrollment fee by doing an analysis of my Amazon shipping expenses for a year, in a big, hairy, Excel schedule, perhaps do a five-year spread, with a chart and a graph, in my favorite colors, but I’ve been saying this for, well, as long as Amazon Prime has been around.

I don’t know when I finally changed my mind, or what triggered it. As I recall it, I was pretty much sitting in a hotel room, alone, and not even online, and out of the clear blue sky I just thought, “I’m going to get Amazon Prime.” It was like some kind of weird consumerism epiphany.

And I did. The next time I found myself on Amazon, a week or so later, I was ordering a gift for myself. I looked at my list and even checked it twice, I’ve been an awfully good girl this year. I’d just spent ten whole minutes shopping, online, for everyone else on my list, I was done, and, as Christmas shopping tends to do to people, I was worn down, exhausted and feeling self-indulgent. All from the comfort of my office chair. I haven’t set foot near a mall. So, I was on Amazon, on a mission. On my “wishlist”, for about five years now, has been “Friends – the complete TV Series”. I’ve hinted and wished, begged, suggested, and done everything possible to subliminally persuade any of a number of family members or friends to think of that particular item when considering a gift for me. Still, no Friends.  So, dammit, after five years, I found it on my Amazon “wishlist” and for about fifty dollars less than the last time I looked. I moved it from my “wishlist” to my cart and then, I clicked the “try the free 30-day trial of Prime” button. I signed up, confirmed my purchase and the doorbell rang. I thought, “dammmmmnnnn!” It was a neighbor bringing the mail to the door for Mom, I was almost a little scared there, for a minute. I love instant gratification, and all, but things need to be logical and explainable, too.

My purchase did arrive quickly, almost unexplainably quickly, especially given the time of year. The free shipping is great, the fast free shipping is phenomenal!


I’ve taken to using “Amazon Prime” a lot like I do “Googling”, it is both a noun and a verb. “Can we just Amazon Prime that please?”

I recently ordered an MLM anti-aging skin care regime from a friend out of curiosity, duty, and as a favor, to help her make a goal, which will actually, hopefully, also allow her to visit me next spring, and most certainly NOT because I need an anti-aging skin care regime. Yet, when I get really close to the mirror and look at my face I wonder if maybe, there isn’t some way to “Amazon Prime” this whole anti-aging skin care process, maybe I DO need it. I know, it took fifty years for my skin to age as much as it has, nothing is going to change instantly, if at all. But if anything could reverse the aging process of skin in an instant, it’d be totally “Amazon Prime”, for sure (that’s a compliment, and an adjective).

I’ve been trying to be helpful around the house, for Mom, now that I’m home for a bit. So I have “chores” to do every day. These are things that would take Mom, at ninety and not moving too swiftly these days, absolute ages to complete. I’m totally “Amazon Prime”. I can complete the whole list before I go running in the morning. And my runs, lately, have even been “Amazon Prime”, I’ve shaved a minute off my mile average on the past couple of six-mile jogs!

When a social opportunity comes up, like lunch out or happy hour or something like that, and I’ve just returned from a run, or the gym or something, I’ll say, “I’m just going to take a shower, ‘Amazon Prime’, and I’ll be ready in thirty minutes!” And, talking to my Sweetie last night, it’s been such a long time since I’ve seen him, I can’t wait for my next vacation, I wish it would get here “Amazon Prime!”

I saw a Maserati the other day, on a straight, open stretch of road, and like a wish come true, the driver did what I would’ve done, glanced both ways for signs of a cop, then just mashed it! It was poetic, symphonic and nearly orgasmic to see and to hear. The car just flew “Amazon Primerly” down the road. Wait, did I just use it as an adverb?

And now that I have Amazon Prime, the service, it’s not much unlike having a new, over eager and hyper efficient assistant, which is never a bad thing. I get text messages on regular intervals on the ONE order I have forthcoming;

“We got your order!”

“We’ve packaged your order!”

“We’ve taped the box shut!”

“Mail truck is here! There goes your order!”

“Your order is at the post office now!”

“Your order is on the mail truck for the airport!”

“Your order is at the airport now!”

“Your order is on the airplane, got a free first-class upgrade, its having the ‘eggs’!”

“Your order landed!”

“Your order is on the mail truck!”

“Your order is at your post office!”

“Your order is on your postal carrier’s truck!”

“Your mailman got stuck in traffic!”

“Lights green, your order is moving again!”

“Your mailman is on your street with your order!”

Ding … “Your order has been delivered!” … Dong

“How’d we do? Feedback, please?”

I didn’t really mean to write a big, ol’ long article about Amazon Prime, it was just an amusing idea that entered my head this morning as I worried over the Christmas gifts I bought for my family direct from the suppliers, instead of from Amazon, the gifts that aren’t here yet and, if not mailed by about yesterday, won’t make it to Honolulu or Saratoga Springs, New York, respectively, by Christmas. I shoulda “Amazon Primed” them.

Well, gotta go, “Amazon Prime”-like! I’ve got a busy day ahead, I’m on my way, “Amazon Prime”, to run four miles as “Amazon Prime” as I can. Then, I’ve got to shower and get ready real “Amazon Prime” because Mom wants me to drive her to the mall so she can get some last minute shopping things done real “Amazon Prime”, then we’re going to have a relaxing lunch at our favorite little Thai place downtown. Hold the “Amazon Prime.”

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