Conspiracy Theory

I don’t usually subscribe to conspiracy theories. I’m not usually all that suspicious about the world, big business, the government. Well, maybe the government. Just a little. 

I do have to wonder, though, how it is that all of my makeup runs out at precisely the same time. I think, perhaps, there is a large makeup conglomerate that owns all of the cosmetic companies and they have the intelligence to make all unrelated products last exactly the same amount of time, regardless of when they were purchased. A huge silent, secret, monopoly that has vast sums of research monies at their disposal and they’ve used it to orchestrate a method by which all makeup expires in unison. 

I think it’s a conspiracy.

Last week I noticed my liquid foundation was getting a little low. I had to shake it more than once to accumulate enough on my fingertip to spread over my face. I’d been breaking up the last few clumps of pressed powder with my powder brush for a while. I twisted the last of the glitter purple eyeliner out of the tube yesterday, and barely managed to smear any on my lash line today. And today, the liquid eyeliner tube ran dry. My mascara brush is dry after dunking it into the tube with rapid fire rhythm. My favorite eyeshadow, which by the way, they no longer make in the same color combination, is down to the very last speck of the very last color. And, last, but not least, the last little chunk of bronzer tumbled out of the container, bounced once in the sink, leaving a mark that an ultra-abrasive cleanser won’t even remove, and went right down the drain. And, to top it all off, I used my last makeup remover wipe last night before bed and my last squirt of face wash this morning in the shower. And since I had just enough makeup left to apply today, that guarantees a trip to ULTA to resupply on makeup removal wipes and face wash, at a minimum, today. I never go to bed with makeup on. I have make up on. And no way to remove it. Except for the abrasive cleanser that won’t remove the bronzer from my sink. 

How can this possibly happen? I really don’t understand. All I know is that today is payday and I foresee a very pricey ULTA run. Coincidence? I think not. How is it that all varieties of make up in my make up case all went completely empty at precisely the same time on payday? 

Do I forgo food for the next two weeks for makeup? No. Do I forgo beer for the next two weeks for makeup? No. Do I forego wine for the next two weeks for makeup? No. Gasoline? No. Utility bills. Perhaps. So the lights get shut off, but I’ll be lovely. You won’t be able to see me in my dark house, and I won’t have light to apply make up by. I’ll probably look like I’m on my way to a Zombie Run or something! But, I see this as my only option. 

It isn’t that I’m so vain I can’t not wear makeup. That isn’t the case at all. I often go without; hiking, backpacking, to the gym, on occasion, running, once in a while. But, and this is my excuse, and I’m sticking with it; makeup has SPF in it and skin cancer runs in my family, so the more layers of makeup I have on, the better protected I think I am. I may be disillusioned about that, but I don’t see how it can be fallacy. I would rather slather make up of various kinds on my face now, than have chunks of my face carved off later. And it makes me feel like I’ve prepared for my day. 

There is a ritualistic quality to applying one’s makeup in the morning. There is a certain degree of artistic expression in any woman’s makeup. For many of us, it is something we take great pleasure in. At whatever the expense. I feel it makes me appear more professional, more polished, which enhances my self-confidence, which enhances my job performance, which enhances my paychecks, which means I can afford those Bare Minerals I’ve been wanting to try! Maybe even the Urban Decay Naked palette! 

All I know, is time is a wasting, I need to get to ULTA immediately. I’ve got makeup to buy!